Heaven Good Bye
by Zhan Shi
Summary: Am I destined for Rakuen"rnSong fic derived from Yoko Kanno's 'Heaven's Not Enough'.
1. Heaven Good Bye

**Disclaimer: I don't own Wolf's Rain, nor do I own the idea of the scent of the lunar blossom and all that jazz with wolves as well. I don't own the song, or the lyrics, either. I'm pretty sure we all know that by now. Thanks!**

_Heaven's not enough  
__If when you get there  
__Just another blue…_

My name is Mairu. I have chosen to follow the path of the lunar flower, to follow its scent to Paradise, to leave this human's world in search of one in which only wolves dwell. Some journeys cost more than others: the road I take will cost me everything, and in return, Rakuen.  
So far, it has cost me everything. My lifelong friend, Ryuuen. My past, my future, my family. I begin to doubt whether the Paradise even exists. But something tells me… a longing for it, it says that it is real.  
Does it exist? I have searched far and wide, only to come to deception. Small fields of green and health quickly ravaged by human destruction were the closest things to Rakuen I have ever seen.

_Heaven's not enough  
__You think you've found it  
__And it loses you…_

Others I have traveled with, on this path to Paradise, but they were all lost. I have never seen even one of them since we split. I chose to back out of a decision made by the alpha in our pack. I was abandoned. And because of that, I live. I've been a lone wolf since those days, few years ago.  
But god… a year feels like an entire lifetime. Each passing second in this world is a nightmare, one from which I can never wake.  
And yet I have will to live, to seek Rakuen, to die only there and no where else.  
This living hell; and yet it's my only salvation.

_You've thought of all there is...  
__But no enough  
__And it looses you  
__In a cloud..._

My plans to reach Paradise, my goals, my ambitions were fiery, as were my friends' ambitions and desires to reach that haven of wolves.  
We wove a web; it would keep us together, it would keep us alive, it would keep us safe on our journey, though peril was around every corner. And yet, the wider and stronger we wove that web of meticulous strategy, we found ourselves caught in a web of deceit and lies. A web of excruciating horror and grief... guilt.

"_There" most everything is nothing  
__that it seems.  
_"_Where" you see the things  
you only wanna see…_

At times I do wake from the nightmare of this earth, only to find that I'm fast asleep, caught up in dreams of my long lost future. Caught up in dreams of living among my kin, my brethren, to give back all that I have received.  
My family has done so much for me, and I abandoned them to chase this folly of a dream, yet I see them, there in Paradise, in my dreams, and I know that they are safe. They have gone in search of that promised land themselves, and have reached it before me. Now only they wait for me, and I will get there in time.

_I'd fly away  
__To a higher place  
__To say words I resist  
__To float away  
__To sigh  
__To breathe… forget…_

There is nothing around me, in this vast expanse of an icy desert, where oceans of souls swim under me in hellish flames and molten torture.  
Where am I now? This does not look like any earth I have known. Where have my limbs taken me? My mind must have been elsewhere… on this journey—I lost my way, and now I must find it before they find me. But my future is dead, only alive in dreams, my past was forsaken, forgotten…

_Heaven's not enough  
__If when I'm there I don't remember you_

I'm forgetting all I knew, the faces, the scents, I'm forgetting what it's like to be around living things, to speak to others, to feel others' warmth, to know they are alive as well.  
But is this Paradise costing too much? Is it worth losing your memory when I've already forgotten all others? If you are just a memory, and no being, then I don't think I can go on.

_Heaven does enough  
__You think you know it  
__And it uses you_

This flower, its scent—why is it so alluring?  
Everything screams at me that I should follow, that I should trail along, but is it wise to do so?  
Logic or instinct?  
To turn back, it would mean a swift death. To turn back, it would mean a shameful death—to know that I am that weak, to know that I was never strong enough for the journey.  
But to press on would be a slow, painful death. Every breath drawn would mean agony, anguish. Pain beyond imagination in losing everything I know is inevitable. Pain to break my body and lay its ruins in a shallow grave is inescapable.  
But I'll know I tried.

_I saw so many things  
__But like a dream  
__Always losing me in a cloud…_

I witnessed my family flee, I didn't see their safety. I know they are alive. I know their souls are alive. As long as I am, they are, too.  
I saw death among my packmates, ones who gave up, both mentally and physically. Ones who chose to turn back and take the easy way out of this decrepit and death-ridden world.  
I saw the holocaust of wolves, I saw their eyes, the pain—I knew even then their time hadn't come. It was fear… so much fear. And then there was peace. In the last seconds of life there was a peace, like they knew something that we still living did not.  
Could it be?

_Cause I couldn't cry,  
__Cause I turned away.  
__Couldn't see the score  
__Didn't know the pain  
__Of leaving yesterday really far behind…_

I'm caught in a struggle, one I know I shouldn't be in.  
Should I go back, or keep moving forward?  
Death is before me either way.  
Giving up is the ultimate temptation… I want so badly to give in. But it is a will that I should not, that I should resist and press on, even through excruciating anguish.  
This remorse… This resentment… I will not give in.

_In another life,  
__In another dream  
__By a different name  
__Gave it all away  
__For a memory  
__And a quiet lie._

Why do I go on? I tell myself that I can make it, I tell myself that I'm so close… so close to victory, so close to Paradise.  
Something holds me back—what if I don't belong?  
This doubt kills every fiber of my being. It destroys my will, and yet I cannot let go of it.  
As Rakuen draws closer, the shadow of doubt expands.  
Soon it will consume me entirely.  
Why is this happening?

_And I felt the face  
__Of a cold tonight  
__Still don't know the score  
__But I know the pain  
__Of leaving everything really far behind_

The ice is under my feet, yet the flame is beneath me. Will I jump from one extreme to another? I've come this far, paid so much, and now is my chance to prove to myself that I'm strong enough for this journey, that I've been strong enough the whole time.  
And even though doubt clung to me, the feeling of accomplishment will be greater, I knowing that I defeated my own demons, that I defeated what held me back. That I defeated what kept me from reaching Paradise sooner.

_And if I could cry  
__And if I could live  
__What truth I did then take me there.  
_  
I cannot jump, though I'm falling from cliff's edge. I'm so close to Paradise, I can see my family, I can see my friends, and the air is filled with howls and alluring scent of the lunar blossoms. The flowers themselves are everywhere. The sun's warmth falls upon my fur, how wonderful it feels.  
And yet I cannot go any further. My friends beckon me, but I'm torn in two, my body lies strewn on the barren wasteland: just another death in the world, yet I do not flee to paradise. Instead… I'm greeted by fire and wilted blossoms.  
What have I done?

_Heaven good bye._


	2. ThanksR&R Replies

**Thanks to all who reviewed the old version: This is the second one, one that's updated and not missing any stanzas. ; Yeah. Sorreh bout that. -- Shot my brains out the other day, so... you gotta expect somekind of screw up, right?

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Rakuen Seeker 2005-05-17 ch 1, anonymous Nice! You missed a few stanzas, but it is still awesome!Beautiful peice of work!

_Zhan Shi - Holy, shit, I did? Thanks for telling me! I don't think I woulda caught it otherwise. And thanks again!

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Jesia 2005-05-17 ch 1, signed Wow.  
Awesome. Simply awesome. I don't know what else to say.  
Jesia

_Zhan Shi - To put it simply, domouarigatou. XD

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Scar's fangurl 2005-05-16 ch 1, signed loved it, will you write more of your other story "but with cause"? please do!

_Zhan Shi - Thank you for R and R-ing this story thing as well! And I'll see what I can do with that one FMA fic, "But With Cause". I'm glad you liked it!

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